The 4 P’s That Break Your Boundaries (And Why You Should Never Stretch Them)
Why the “best problem solver” almost destroyed me, my professional work, and even my business and how the Velvet Curtain Method (wasn't named then) saved it
“You’re the best problem solver we have.” ~ One of the biggest traps
Those six words hit different when you’re building your reputation. I felt that familiar rush of validation wash over me as my client (and countless managers) delivered the praise over a video call. Without checking my calendar, without considering my current workload, without even thinking about whether I had the bandwidth, I heard myself say: “Absolutely, I can handle that.”
The request? Basically redoing 3 days worth of work, while managing other clients, and somehow maintaining what was left of my work-life balance. But in that moment, none of that mattered. I was the “best problem solver,” and problem solvers say yes.
That single moment of praise-driven decision-making costed me two weeks of 12-hour days, and ironically, delivered subpar work that didn’t reflect my actual capabilities. Worse, it set an expectation that I would always be available for impossible requests because, well, I was the “best problem solver.”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. After years of studying boundary failures in my own professional life and helping other professionals that identified themselves as the “best problem solvers”, I’ve learned exactly why our boundaries crumble when we need them most. It’s not external pressure that breaks us—it’s four internal triggers that hijack our decision-making process entirely.
The 4 P’s That Break Your Boundaries
1. Pay (Money & Extrinsic Rewards)
The “easy money” trap is perhaps the most seductive boundary killer. When dollar signs flash, logic exits stage left.
I learned this lesson painfully early in my photography career. A corporate client offered me 2.5x my normal rate for an event shoot—contingent on immediate availability and same-day booking. Without checking my schedule or considering the scope, I said yes. What seemed like easy money turned into a nightmare of last-minute requests, endless revision rounds, and scope creep that made the hourly rate laughable.
The Pay trap doesn’t just manifest in taking on underpaid work. It shows up when you:
Accept projects below your worth (or even completely for free because of promised “future opportunities” (or exposure)
Work overtime for bonuses that don’t compensate for your lost personal time
Say yes to speaking engagements for “exposure” instead of fair compensation
Take on additional responsibilities for modest raises that don’t match the increased workload
2. Praise (External Validation)
Praise is the most addictive boundary destroyer because it feels so good—and so earned. Unlike money, praise hits our identity directly. When someone calls you the “best problem solver,” the “most reliable team member,” or the “go-to person,” you start believing that saying no would somehow diminish that identity.
The workplace cost of praise-seeking behaviour is staggering. Research shows that 63.4% of professionals cite lack of time for focused work as their primary source of burnout—largely because they can’t say no to requests that make them feel needed and valued.
The validation cycle works like this:
You deliver exceptional work → You receive praise → You associate your worth with being indispensable → You say yes to maintain that identity → You overcommit → Your work quality suffers → You work harder to maintain the praise → The viscous cycle intensifies.
As one thought-leader notes, “validation seekers tend to often agree with others to an excessive degree, even when it contradicts their own beliefs” and “tend to modify their behaviour and viewpoints based on the reactions of those around them.”
Recent research shows this pattern extends far beyond individual decisions. Financial therapist Megan McCoy notes that people pleasers often use their wallets as “an easy Band-Aid” during times of stress, leading to financial strain and boundary violations. One case study involved Hailey Magee, a certified life coach who found herself constantly picking up tabs and buying expensive gifts she couldn’t afford, driven by “a compulsion to pay for things” rooted in people-pleasing, praise-seeking behaviours.
3. Pressure (Social & Internal Comparison)
Sometimes we break our boundaries not because we want to, but because we feel we should. The pressure manifests in thoughts like “Everyone else is doing this,” “I should be able to handle this,” or “What will they think if I say no?”
The cost of pressure-driven boundary violations is measurable: studies show employees are interrupted every 11 minutes on average, and it takes 25 minutes to refocus on the original task. Organizations with thousands of employees being unnecessarily interrupted lose massive amounts of productivity as people struggle to keep up.
Look at what’s happening in the AI industry right now. Chinese AI companies launch products aggressively, so US AI companies feel compelled to rush their own launches and open-source everything to consumers just to keep pace. Some companies are making strategic decisions based purely on what competitors are doing, not what serves their vision or market position.
This pressure-driven mimicry extends far beyond tech. In every industry, companies abandon their strategic north star to copy what others appear to be doing successfully. But here’s the problem: when your market senses that your recent launches are just reactive moves to keep up with competitors, you lose your authority, your differentiation, and ultimately, your most loyal supporters.
In your own profession or company, have you experienced something like this? Maybe you’re launching multiple products or initiatives simultaneously, organizing multiple events per year, or saying yes to every networking opportunity, all without considering your own or your company’s values, capacity, or strategic priorities? You already know what the results would be: scattered focus, mediocre outcomes, and the exhausting realization that chasing what “everybody’s doing” rarely leads to sustainable success.
Internal pressure often stems from:
Comparing your capacity to others without knowing their full situation
Fear of missing out on opportunities others seem to be grabbing
Imposter syndrome driving overcompensation through overcommitment
Cultural or family conditioning about always being helpful or available
4. Progress (The False Progress Trap)
This is the trickiest P because progress feels inherently positive. When you’re stuck or feel like you’re not moving fast enough, your boundaries become negotiable. You think: “Maybe I should lower my standards to get some momentum,” or “Any progress is better than no progress.”
I fell into this trap when one of my businesses stagnated. Instead of addressing the core strategic issues, I started taking on smaller clients, thinking it would create momentum toward bigger opportunities. Three years later, I had become the go-to person for small clients and had to work twice as hard to reposition myself in the market. The “progress” I thought I was making was actually moving me further from my goals.
Research from a Fortune 500 company study reveals that when there’s misalignment between desired boundaries and actual boundaries, it creates significant stress and reduces both job satisfaction and performance. The study found that employees who couldn’t maintain their preferred work-life boundaries experienced decreased mental health and increased work-family conflict.
The false progress trap appears when you:
Take on projects below your skill level to feel busy
Accept partial payments or extended timelines to close deals
Lower your standards to meet unrealistic deadlines
Say yes to opportunities that don’t align with your goals just to feel productive
Why You Should Never “Stretch” Your Boundaries
Here’s what I’ve learned after nearly destroying myself, my business, my relationships, and health multiple times: boundaries aren’t meant to be flexible. They’re meant to be consistent infrastructure for sustainable success.
When you “stretch” a boundary, you’re not being adaptable—you’re training yourself and others that your limits are negotiable. Every time you compromise your boundaries, you’re essentially telling yourself “their comfort is more important than yours,” which reinforces patterns of self-abandonment.
Studies show that boundary violations directly contribute to burnout, with work consistently intruding on personal time leading to decreased engagement and the record number of employees leaving their jobs. But when employees believe their boundaries are respected, they become more engaged with their organization.
The Velvet Curtain Method: A Different Approach
After years of boundary failures, I developed what I call the Velvet Curtain Method—a system that creates boundaries that are firm yet kind, using infrastructure rather than constant verbal enforcement.
The VCM works by transforming boundaries from defensive barriers into elegant infrastructure through three core principles:
1. Visible Capacity Indicators Instead of saying “I’m too busy” after someone makes a request, create visible systems that communicate your availability before conflicts arise. This might look like:
Public calendars showing your availability windows
Project dashboards displaying current workload
Clear response time expectations in email signatures
Predetermined criteria for accepting new opportunities
2. Environmental Cues Design your environment to communicate limits naturally. For example:
Office hours posted where clients can see them
Automated responses that redirect non-urgent requests
Physical workspace setup that supports focused work
Technology boundaries (like phone settings) that protect personal time
3. Alternative Offerings Instead of just saying “no,” provide alternatives that honour both your boundaries and the other person’s needs:
“I can’t do this in two weeks, but I could deliver it properly in four weeks”
“This isn’t in my wheelhouse, but here are three people who specialize in this”
“I’m not available for calls today, but here’s a detailed response to your question”
How to Identify Which P Is Breaking Your Boundaries
The first step to stronger boundaries is recognizing which of the 4 P’s consistently undermines your decision-making. Here’s a diagnostic framework:
Pay Assessment:
Do you consistently undercharge for your services?
Have you ever taken on work you regretted because the money seemed easy?
Do financial incentives make you ignore red flags about clients or projects?
Praise Assessment:
Do you find yourself saying yes to maintain a reputation (reliable, helpful, expert)?
Does criticism or lack of recognition significantly impact your decision-making?
Do you struggle to delegate because you like being seen as the person who handles everything?
Pressure Assessment:
Do you frequently justify decisions with “everyone else is doing it”?
Do you say yes to avoid disappointing others, even when it compromises your priorities?
Do you feel guilty when you prioritize your own needs?
Progress Assessment:
Have you ever lowered your standards to feel like you were moving forward?
Do you take on opportunities that don’t align with your goals just to stay busy?
Do you struggle with perfectionism that leads to accepting suboptimal solutions?
Your Action Plan for Unbreakable Boundaries
Week 1: Audit Track every time you say yes to something. Note which of the 4 P’s influenced your decision. Look for patterns.
Week 2: Design Create your Velvet Curtain infrastructure:
Set visible capacity indicators
Design environmental cues that communicate your limits
Prepare alternative offerings for common requests
Week 3: Implement Start using your VCM system. Practice responding to requests using your prepared alternatives rather than immediate yes/no answers.
Week 4: Refine Adjust your system based on what you learned. Notice how people respond to clear, kind boundaries supported by infrastructure rather than just willpower.
The Compound Effect of Consistent Boundaries
Research consistently shows that employees who maintain healthy boundaries are more engaged, less prone to burnout, and contribute to higher-performing environments. In my own businesses, implementing the Velvet Curtain Method led to:
40% improvement in project quality (because I wasn’t overcommitted)
60% reduction in scope creep (because expectations were clear upfront)
Significantly better client relationships (because they knew what to expect)
Personal life that actually existed separate from work
The irony is that stronger boundaries didn’t make me less helpful—they made me more effective at helping in ways that were sustainable and aligned with my actual goals.
Your Boundaries Are Your Business Strategy
Here’s the truth that took me years to accept: your boundaries aren’t obstacles to success—they are your strategy for sustainable success. Every time you honour them, you’re investing in your long-term capacity to serve others at your highest level.
The 4 P’s will always be there, ready to hijack your decision-making with promises of easy money, validation, social acceptance, or false progress. But with the Velvet Curtain Method, you can create infrastructure that protects your most valuable resource: your ability to show up as your best self, consistently, for the work and people that truly matter.
Your boundaries aren’t meant to be stretched. They’re meant to be the elegant infrastructure that allows you to build something remarkable—sustainably.
Ready to implement the Velvet Curtain Method in your business or career? The framework that saved my business and restored my sanity is available for leaders who are tired of boundary battles and ready for boundary elegance.